The Cost of Loss
When we think of excessive
or addictive use of drugs,
alcohol, sex, and gambling,
or fractured relationships
and abuse, as ways to bridge
the gap between what we have
and what we want, then we
begin to understand the
true cost of loss.
I am a psychotherapist, not an attorney, an actuary, or a CPA, and putting a dollar value on a loss is not my area of expertise. I have an MFT, a PhD, and am Certified in Thanatology (the study of death, dying, and bereavement). My expertise is in understanding the experience of loss, whether due to trauma, violence, accident, or grief, and its meaning to the person who is suffering the loss. My special gift is being able to articulate clearly, concisely, and in layperson’s words what I know to my patients and to the attorneys with whom I work as an expert witness.
First things first, usually when we use the word loss, we are euphemistically referring to death. We usually mean that a person has died. However, the concept of loss (and loss issues) is much, much broader than that. We suffer losses when we divorce, lose a valued job, move to a new neighborhood or school, amputate a limb, go into combat, suffer a life-altering physical injury, have an unwanted hysterectomy, survive a traumatic experience, endure rape, bear years of incest, have an abortion, suffer a miscarriage, or place a child for adoption. Though no sentient being may have actually died, each of these experiences involves a death of some sort and constitutes a loss of some kind: something dies within us, some part of our Self dies. Every loss involves the death of some “thing”.
We can see that each of these experiences has the power to deny us the potential that we hoped for, or worked for; and it can alter our idea of who we are, or will be. It may negatively impact our self-worth, cause depression, and change our world view.
Why is loss so powerful and potentially crippling? Because loss has meaning. The meaning of an experience, the meaning of the loss, differs for each person. What does it mean that my spouse cheated on me or is divorcing me, or that I was fired or forced to retire, or that my husband was murdered or paralyzed, or that I was incested or raped, or that I am now facing a lifetime without my father or my child, or must cope with living with a neurological deficit? It is the meaning of the loss that can change an individual’s personality, world view, and life path. Truth be told, what constitutes a deep narcissistic wound for one person (a piercing wound that erodes one’s identity and sense of Self), may be barely a scratch to another. There are important factors that make this true, not the least of which is resilience. Unfortunately, resilience cannot be purchased online, leaving most of us to face Life with what little resilience we might naturally possess.
What is the cost of loss in psychological terms? If the meaning of a loss strikes at my core, pierces the Ego (the “I” that is me), and catapults me into self-doubt and worthlessness, then I cannot see the world as it really is. I am likely to see the world, and, indeed, Life, as unsafe, or dangerous, or overwhelming, or as conspiring against me. Most likely I am suffocating in distrust, insignificance, and despair, consequently, I cannot make forward-looking decisions or self-affirming choices. I may even feel permanently stuck, slowly sinking in the quicksand of fear and self-recrimination.
What of my connection to my Higher Power? Bereft, detached, spiritually disintegrated, feeling abandoned, or severely punished, I cannot see myself as worthy of Grace or Benevolence. I begin to wonder, if, perhaps, everything that is happening is God’s Will and that I am truly alone in this earthly life.
Between my deformed world view and my depression, I am frequently unable to make good choices. I cease to see myself as an agent of change in my own life. I begin a downward spiral into one bad choice after another, each meant to mask my pain or to avoid future failures. When we think of excessive or addictive use of drugs, alcohol, gambling, and sex, or fractured relationships and abuse, as ways to bridge the gap between what we have and what we want, then we begin to understand the true cost of loss.
In the most dramatic cases, it is easy to see the consequences of a loss: his inability to hold a job, her frequently devolving relationships, the shattered families, and the obvious human potential squashed due to under-education, under-employment, reduced income, and increased health issues.
In the more subtle cases, there is the...
- rape victim, who is unable to sleep without a deadbolt on her bedroom door for the remainder of her life; or cannot have a tension-free sexual relationship; or is afraid to go out at night for the rest of her life.
- young wife of a paralyzed man, who becomes his nursemaid; guilt-ridden she cannot divorce him. Married in name only, she grieves the loss of her dreams and the potential of her marriage.
- older widow, robbed of her identity as a wife and her place in the cultural community, she lives a shadow life, devoid of purpose and meaning.
- child of the neurologically impaired father, who will not feel the self-esteem-enhancing joy of his/her father’s pride as s/he hits a home run or earns a “B” on a term paper.
- parent whose infant or toddler dies needlessly, who loses his touch of immortality and the hopes and plans he had for a family gathered around the holiday table; who loses the daughter who would give them grandchildren, or the son who would carry their family name.
What is the cost of loss in financial terms? I cannot put a value on it, but I do know, unequivocally, that loss has the power to cost a person his or her truest and most potentiated life, and to negatively alter the lives of those who are in significant relationships with the aggrieved party. As a therapist, it is my job to help the patient understand his losses and the costs to his life, and to guide him out of the darkness of his experience and into his potential. As an Expert Witness, it is my job to evaluate and assess the full psychological impact of a precipitating event on what would have been her realistic life trajectory and to answer the questions,
- “How has this event affected a client’s realistic potential, redefined her personal efficacy, altered her sense of meaning and purpose, and limited her future?
- What are the longterm, or irrevocable, or immutable (or mutable) consequences of this event?”
And, of course, it is my job to convey my knowledge and understanding of the client in an intelligent and readily understandable way to the attorneys, judge, and jury.
My area of specialization is grief and loss issues; consequently, I treat patients who are trying to live their lives under the burden of significant losses. Some are doing it bravely, some are doing it self-destructively. All are suffering the lifelong costs of their losses, many of those losses hidden from view. It is my job to expose and convey the psychological costs and it is a part of the attorney’s job to determine the dollar value of the loss. Together, we humanize a case by creating a verbal picture of a person, and their suffering, that is compelling and demands financial justice.
